You thought you had a rock solid marriage. Many couples you know, who got married at around the same time, have split up. Some of your friends have remained married, but it is touch and go whether the marriage will survive. You rejoiced because you were one of the lucky ones. You never expected that you would need advice to save your marriage from falling apart. But now your husband says he wants to leave you and saving your marriage is all you can think about.
Everything changed so suddenly when your husband told you he wanted to end the marriage. You had no idea he had been dissatisfied for a long time. Now you feel that your marriage which seemed so solid has been smashed into a million pieces. You don't know how to start to repair the damage. You wonder how you could have failed to notice signs that your life partner was unhappy in the relationship.
What can you do to save your marriage? This has come as a bolt out of the blue, and it is hard to think clearly while you are reeling with shock. You are bound to feel hurt and angry. You will probably be overpowered by sheer disbelief that this can be happening to you. The most important thing for you to take on board right now is this: don't do or say anything hasty.
You will naturally be in the grip of overwhelming emotions. When we are hurt, it is a natural instinct to react by hitting out at the person who has injured us. Your husband has said he is unhappy with the way things are and wants to leave you. Of course this hurts; it hurts like nothing you could ever imagine. It might be tempting to retaliate by listing your husband's faults and reminding him of the things you have borne over the years. Telling him the reasons he is lucky to have a wife like you to put up with him is not going to pave the way for healing the rift that separates you.
While hitting back won't solve anything, you shouldn't be too ready to take all the blame. It would be pointless to promise your husband you will change when you don't even know what the problem is. At this stage, you won't be able to hide the fact that you weren't aware of your husband's dissatisfaction with married life. This might be due to the fact that you were not as "in tune" as a couple as you previously believed. It might even be that your husband is at fault because he couldn't communicate his feelings and needs effectively.
You don't want to lose your husband. You don't think you could bear to see the love of your life pick up his bags and walk out the door. Hard though this may be, you should not cling to your spouse and beg him to stay. If he is determined to leave, you have to let him go. Short of taking him prisoner, you can't physically stop him from leaving.
Let him know you would prefer him not to go but that you are prepared to give him as much space as he needs. If you are lucky, he won't have made arrangements to move out before breaking the news to you. This means you will at least get the chance to talk about the saving your marriage. If, however, your husband is ready to walk out, you must let him go. Tell him you would like him to stay, but don't make a scene to try to keep him with you.
Your partner is more likely to respond in a positive way when the two of you are in contact next if you can show that you are willing to give him the time and space he needs to sort out his own feelings. A marriage does not end just by having one partner walk out. The life you have been sharing does not stop the minute the door closes between you. There will be practical matters to discuss as well as emotional issues. A couple of days' breathing space will help both of you to prepare for the next phase in settling matters between you.
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